If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize