Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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