the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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