I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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