Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
