I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
