He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
