I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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