just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
