Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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