I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
