what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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