watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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