Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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