there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
