Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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