I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm sobbing to NWA
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
