my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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