Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
