Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
