My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
