i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
