peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
