I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
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WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
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We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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