I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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