This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
