my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
