you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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