Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
