she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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