I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
