I'm sorry my penis didn't work
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
