i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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