Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
