I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Randomize
