He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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