dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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