I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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