dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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