there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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