your thong is hanging out like whoa
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
