so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
