Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
