he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
