so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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