if i can run in heels then i can drive
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
