"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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