you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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