You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
