you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
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Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
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We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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