Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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