jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Someone shattered a urinal.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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