I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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