I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
