Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
