What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
