i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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