I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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