I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
