I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
