hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
